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| losing you, losing my job, losing my mind, losing my patience, losing my calm, losing it all. | | |
| The week of Thanksgiving was the worst of my life. I never fully understood that things really can get so bad so fast.
But now, with it behind me, things are back to "normal".
And I know that I should be thankful for that, but I'm not. All that time taught me was how much I need to get away from here.
Also, I was really close to a big decision but I've since backed down/away from the choice I was making. The event remains the same but the destination won't be what I had nearly talked myself into. I know it would never work out and I realize now I was just daydreaming a little more fervently than usual. {Oh how I'd love to live in that dream, though.}
This has been a time of learning who my friends are, learning who I can {and do} rely on, learning where I can't turn even when I'd always thought the support would be there if it ever really came to it. I don't hold a grudge or a sorrow over that, though. X may not have been there but Y was, and more than I'd ever have hoped, guessed, or imagined. It was like nothing I had ever known and I still appreciated it mightily.
More talking around things. I'm not specific anywhere, not even in my own head.
But I'm happy. | | |
| Life passes. Days skip by and the only thing I notice is the mounting laundry. It's not a bad life, really.
There are deficits and there are... things that are okay.
None of the horrible little flashes of anxiety lately, of which I am thankful. It's strange, when they don't come. I forget they are real, forget how they feel, forget how they crush their way through my chest, balling up sharp and crinkly like tinfoil. They've never been a regular thing, not so much that I consider them a problem, really. I don't know why I've lately noticed their absence. I do not learn to count on that though.
Halloween has come and gone and it just means that November is here and I'm trying NaNoWriMo again. 2089 of 50,000 today and I think I'm going to go write a little more.
I forget. | | |
| things i love right now:
jones soda co. cream soda. it is clear and the taste is simply beyond comparison to any other company's cream soda. it reminds me vaguely of cotton candy, but more what you wish cotton candy tasted like than what cotton candy actually tastes like. (what cotton candy actually tastes like is what you wish cotton candy tasted like plus food coloring aftertaste.)
there are good things, yes there are.
that's all i can think of though. | | |
| I've seen you be selfish, mean, petty, angry, sad, happy, funny, proud, tired, confused, in pain, and joyous.
I've never seen you in love. I don't think I ever will.
I've spent so much time hoping that someday, sometime, something would change or happen or that things would magically fall into place and you'd just see the way I can't help but see.
But that's not going to happen.
And today, finally, what I realized is that I deserve for it to happen. If not you, then with someone else. I deserve someone to care about me the way I care about you. To think about me and hope for the best for me and want to keep seeing me every day at my best or at my worst. To witness all that comes and still want to be by my side the way I wish you'd let me be by yours.
This would be easier if I could just break away from you and move on. And we may drift apart, in fact I think it's likely now. And it makes me sad. Right now, typing this, my eyes are stinging and my throat is full, but I still know that I can't do this limbo of stupid delusion and hopefulness much longer. I kept thinking if I could just be persistent enough I'd finally be the one to break through your wall. I forgot you are on the inside building much faster than I can work my way in.
I still want the best for you. I always will. I think I'll always have a corner of my heart and my mind that hopes you'll want to claim them. But it's time I acknowledge that you won't. | | |
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