the29th's Xanga

losing

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 10:26:25 GMT

losing you, losing my job, losing my mind, losing my patience, losing my calm, losing it all.

looking forward, looking back

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 22:16:54 GMT

The week of Thanksgiving was the worst of my life. I never fully understood that things really can get so bad so fast.

But now, with it behind me, things are back to "normal".

And I know that I should be thankful for that, but I'm not. All that time taught me was how much I need to get away from here.

Also, I was really close to a big decision but I've since backed down/away from the choice I was making. The event remains the same but the destination won't be what I had nearly talked myself into. I know it would never work out and I realize now I was just daydreaming a little more fervently than usual. {Oh how I'd love to live in that dream, though.}

This has been a time of learning who my friends are, learning who I can {and do} rely on, learning where I can't turn even when I'd always thought the support would be there if it ever really came to it. I don't hold a grudge or a sorrow over that, though. X may not have been there but Y was, and more than I'd ever have hoped, guessed, or imagined. It was like nothing I had ever known and I still appreciated it mightily.

More talking around things. I'm not specific anywhere, not even in my own head.

But I'm happy.

slips my mind

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 00:00:24 GMT

Life passes. Days skip by and the only thing I notice is the mounting laundry. It's not a bad life, really.

There are deficits and there are... things that are okay.

None of the horrible little flashes of anxiety lately, of which I am thankful. It's strange, when they don't come. I forget they are real, forget how they feel, forget how they crush their way through my chest, balling up sharp and crinkly like tinfoil. They've never been a regular thing, not so much that I consider them a problem, really. I don't know why I've lately noticed their absence. I do not learn to count on that though.

Halloween has come and gone and it just means that November is here and I'm trying NaNoWriMo again. 2089 of 50,000 today and I think I'm going to go write a little more.

I forget.

i'd hug you but i know you don't like it

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 01:22:30 GMT

things i love right now:
jones soda co. cream soda. it is clear and the taste is simply beyond comparison to any other company's cream soda. it reminds me vaguely of cotton candy, but more what you wish cotton candy tasted like than what cotton candy actually tastes like. (what cotton candy actually tastes like is what you wish cotton candy tasted like plus food coloring aftertaste.)

there are good things, yes there are.

that's all i can think of though.

i've held on to the idea of crying for someone specific for much too long

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 03:08:46 GMT

I've seen you be selfish, mean, petty, angry, sad, happy, funny, proud, tired, confused, in pain, and joyous.

I've never seen you in love. I don't think I ever will.

I've spent so much time hoping that someday, sometime, something would change or happen or that things would magically fall into place and you'd just see the way I can't help but see.

But that's not going to happen.

And today, finally, what I realized is that I deserve for it to happen. If not you, then with someone else. I deserve someone to care about me the way I care about you. To think about me and hope for the best for me and want to keep seeing me every day at my best or at my worst. To witness all that comes and still want to be by my side the way I wish you'd let me be by yours.

This would be easier if I could just break away from you and move on. And we may drift apart, in fact I think it's likely now. And it makes me sad. Right now, typing this, my eyes are stinging and my throat is full, but I still know that I can't do this limbo of stupid delusion and hopefulness much longer. I kept thinking if I could just be persistent enough I'd finally be the one to break through your wall. I forgot you are on the inside building much faster than I can work my way in.

I still want the best for you. I always will. I think I'll always have a corner of my heart and my mind that hopes you'll want to claim them. But it's time I acknowledge that you won't.

for the record - it had a tiny little off center heart shaped with tinier diamonds

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 15:12:31 GMT

I dreamed last night that you asked me to marry you. I can still see what the ring looked like. (It looked like nothing either you or I would ever choose - was that the tip off?) Everything finally made sense. You wanted my opinions about _________ because it was for both of us. You were baffled that I was so unaware of your feelings. I cried buckets and we both smiled enough to make our faces break.

It was a long dream filled with the reactions of family and friends. I woke up with that terrible confusion - what was real and what was dream? When it sorted itself out I felt I'd lost something important.

When I slept again I dreamed of a journey. Crossing a bridge, you took something I said the wrong way and decided to jump off the bridge into the white water rapids below. The rest of us followed, scared and unprepared. It wasn't long before I saw an old lady driving a floating car and knew that we'd all be safe.

Dreams are stupid.

one-sided

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:12:34 GMT

I hate friendships. The inevitable inequality of them, the fact that the deficit is always on my end... no one will ever need the same way I do.

I realize now that for years it has felt like this thing is crashing and burning. I've been here this whole time shifting between a valiant effort to pull it up, keep it flying... and pretending the scenery that is rushing towards the wind screen isn't the ground but clouds.

The dichotomy of this has been like the old nursery rhyme: when things are good, they are very very good but when they are bad they are horrid. Very, very good... or horrid. No middle ground. And for all this time I've told myself that it's good with patches of horrid. But that's just me convincing myself again, isn't it?

I'm not saying you don't care. I'm sure you do. But it's so limited, so partial, that it makes mine seem embarrassing and obsessive.

And maybe it is. What else can I do? Where is the map so I can see my way out?

The only thing that kept last night from being an all-time-low was that my anger served as a buffer. It was good to insulate myself with and flipping off an aware-less focus was better than crying. But it changes nothing. All I've ever done was delay the inevitable.

Random items, itemized.

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 18:52:52 GMT

Today is my last day at the job I've been at for almost exactly one year.
I was at my last job for eight and a half.
My new job will supposedly allow me to work from home two days a week but I am not holding my breath on that one.
I'm obsessed with the two albums I have from The National.
"You wouldn't want an angel watching over you. Surprise, surprise, they wouldn't want to watch." is awesome, lyric-wise.
I've never been to Kara but the Flame Wreath Chant keeps getting stuck in my head since I watched a youtube downing of Aran that featured it. Not linked as ... I don't really want to. Seach "Flamewreath Chant" if you must.
I've been listening to The National, Lewis & Clarke, and Youth Group a lot, lot, lot lately.
This week has been another roller coaster, emotionally speaking. I'm glad it is almost over.
I have 2 hours and 19 minutes left at this job.
I am having Lebanese food with a friend for dinner tonight.
I had a nice conversation with p. today. He made me smile. (Note to self, reference gchat log for August 17, 2007.)
I had a dream that I was married recently. But the entire dream consisted of waking up (in the dream) and going into the bathroom where the shower was running and no one was there. He had disappeared. It wasn't a pleasant dream, full of much anxiety.
Lewis & Clarke's song "Doc Holiday Was A Phoney" is quite wonderful, in my opinion.
I can't put off working for any longer.

nothing new to say

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 14:42:03 GMT

This always happens.

Two days ago I was in the best mood I've been in for a long time. Today? Well, I'm sure you can guess.

I don't know what happens. Brain chemistry? Circumstances? External influence? Does it matter?

I'm back to being sick of waiting and sick of myself for being that person. What am I waiting for? This is a change that is never going to happen.

care too much

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 23:59:33 GMT

I'm tired of feeling like a jackass.